Like many citizens of the United States, I have found myself without gainful employment, now that my last job contract has ended. “Big deal” you say, “you’re receiving unemployment insurance benefits. You’ll find a new position. Everything will be fine!” Well, yes, that’s true, but I won’t be able to accomplish what I want to do (start my own business) until I master something difficult for me: maintaining self-discipline.
The bible says something along the lines of “a man without self-discipline is akin to a city with crumbling walls.” When I have others helping me, reminding me, keeping the pressure on, I have food in the house; I keep things well-organized and clean; I am active. When I am alone, my walls crumble. I tend to stay in bed a lot, masturbate plenty, eat junk food because there isn’t any food left in the house, and don’t water the plants or clean as much. I am anxious of the little things I need to do that keep piling up.
“If not now, when?” is one of my favorite sayings and has recently become a mantra of mine. It is attributed to the Jewish religious leader Hillel the Elder, but it’s a common Zen saying, encouraging awareness of the present moment.
If I do not do these things now, when will they get done? The answer is, they probably won’t, and my inaction will result in entropy and self-loathing.
My first step was zazen this morning. I typically only count my breath to calm myself, but I spent a good 10 minutes before I did anything else, including type this.
My mind resisted contemplation, though not as actively as I expected. Aside from the random noise, I revisited my life-changing zen experience. I’ll provide context later, but I want to try to get this written down while it’s still fresh:
I was wandering over the scenic Nimbus Dam area in Orangevale, CA. As I looked at the tall grass, I started to experience the blades as individual human beings, striving for the same happiness of the sun, and as we all moved in an interconnected dance, blown about by the wind, the flow of life momentarily made a lot more sense.
If you’ve read Siddhartha by Hesse, what the ferryman tells you is true: you can learn everything you need to know from the river. The river takes many forms. I felt as though the distant highway and the blood vessels in my body were rivers, and my breath and the wind were currents.
I feel calmer and less anxious.
I will get into good habits, though I don’t yet have a job. Success is, afterall, the positive result of a long journey. The inverse is also true. Self-discipline keeps me on the right road.
“If not now, when?”
Now.
I am ready to face the day.
